Looking Back

Time has a way of making us fools. When we as people begin to feel in control and feel nothing can faze us, time knocks us gently on the back of our heads and forces us to turn around. And turning around is a fascinating thing.

Our lives, no matter how mundane or normal we think they have been, are filled with memories. The tears we cried when we felt our fingers slip from our parents’ hands and we walked to school for the first time. The uncaring laughter we shared with our very first friends. The incredible experience of having a story unfold before our very eyes in the cinemas. The first time we felt that swooping sensation in the pit of our stomach, the daydreaming which told us we had fallen in love. The despair, the loneliness we felt when something didn’t work out. The tears we shed when we said goodbye to our school friends with a promise to keep in touch but never did. Our first day in college, our first job, the day we set out to do something, the day we created something. These memories, these moments etched in time, these indelible moments, they move us, shCapture1ape us and create us.

Four years ago, I created my wordpress account. It was a time when I badly needed a release for a lot of frustration. Writing helped me do that. The years in college changed me and helped me mature as a person. And all through that I wrote. I wont claim to be the most dedicated person because I haven’t been. I took  many a hiatus, sometimes for too long. But something dragged me back. Something that was mine. This place right here. This website, this URL. This is mine, and I created it. This is my fortress, my palace, and to quote JK Rowling, “it will always be there to welcome me home”.

In these four years, I have matured, evolved and shared some experiences which will hopefully help someone like me. I had the good fortune of getting to know some wonderful people, and making some good friends. I was fortunate to have a great support group. And all I want to say is “Thank You”.

Paul Heyman said, “I don’t look back. I never spend my time looking back, I spend my time looking forward.” I agree with Mr. Heyman completely. But I feel, at least sometimes, we need to look back. Not to sit and cry over the days that are behind us, but to learn from our mistakes. And take pride in whatever good we did. We need to look forward constantly, but we need the help of our past to create our future.

Before I take leave, I want to say one more thing. All of us have made mistakes in our past. I have done some things which I am not proud of. But that realization that I made those mistakes and the simple realization that those were in fact mistakes makes us a pretty good human being. We can always redeem ourselves. We cannot change our past, we can change our future.

Our past did indeed shape us, but our past doesn’t have to define us.

To Be or Not To Be…

Again, I know this is a cliché line, but I have been gone for another couple of months with absolutely no blogging whatsoever. During the past one or two months on many an occasion, I took out my laptop, and began typing something about my life. But in the next couple of minutes, I would inevitably erase the whole thing. I just didn’t know what I wanted to write, and I didn’t want to write for the sake of writing.

To be honest, the last couple of months have been tough, made tougher by my ego, my incredibly bad coping skills and possibly a bad bout of OCD-GAD and just about any psychological disorder that you can google up. Life moved up a notch, but unfortunately, I didn’t.

I am doing my master’s degree right now, and in just over a year, I’ll be done with that as well. But I am still the child that I have always been. I just cannot bring myself to understand that when the pace quickens, you have to move faster. I still want to curl up in bed by 11 every night, and sleep till around 7 in the morning. Rush off to my morning classes at 8 and then be back by noon to have my lunch. A quick nap, and then rush off to my hour or two of afternoon classes and then back to my hostel room. Once back, I immerse myself in watching videos on youtube, clips of the Big Bang Theory and checking Facebook every hour. I literally never get any work done. Except on the last day. I always get my work done on time, but the day before the submission is usually the day I nearly blow by top.

I am at a crossroads now, and I want to go the right way. I want to achieve all of my dreams, being a world renown professor, acting in a couple of movies, and at least for one day, be a guest host on WWE RAW. But I am just too lazy to get up and start working. I think that if I start working, I can no longer have fun. But isn’t the basic idea of a happy life, that you do all your work, and still manage to have fun?

That idea, is just a little too difficult for me to comprehend.

Now, as I sit here typing relentlessly on my computer, the words just seem to flow, an exhilaration that I haven’t felt in a long time. Due to my unholy tendency to get consumed in self-pity and “being the victim” attitude and my idiotic methods of coping, these creative juices were almost non-existent for a long time. But strangely, just hours after I drowned myself in another pool of self-pity, my mind seems to be clear. The words are flowing out of me, as if I have been reborn. As if my sins have been cleansed, and I now have a second chance to live. To LIVE, NOT EXIST.

I don’t know how long this will last, because I have had epiphanies and resurrections before, and none of them lasted. But I hope this does. I just know that I will do everything in my power to make sure it does.