To Be or Not To Be…

Again, I know this is a cliché line, but I have been gone for another couple of months with absolutely no blogging whatsoever. During the past one or two months on many an occasion, I took out my laptop, and began typing something about my life. But in the next couple of minutes, I would inevitably erase the whole thing. I just didn’t know what I wanted to write, and I didn’t want to write for the sake of writing.

To be honest, the last couple of months have been tough, made tougher by my ego, my incredibly bad coping skills and possibly a bad bout of OCD-GAD and just about any psychological disorder that you can google up. Life moved up a notch, but unfortunately, I didn’t.

I am doing my master’s degree right now, and in just over a year, I’ll be done with that as well. But I am still the child that I have always been. I just cannot bring myself to understand that when the pace quickens, you have to move faster. I still want to curl up in bed by 11 every night, and sleep till around 7 in the morning. Rush off to my morning classes at 8 and then be back by noon to have my lunch. A quick nap, and then rush off to my hour or two of afternoon classes and then back to my hostel room. Once back, I immerse myself in watching videos on youtube, clips of the Big Bang Theory and checking Facebook every hour. I literally never get any work done. Except on the last day. I always get my work done on time, but the day before the submission is usually the day I nearly blow by top.

I am at a crossroads now, and I want to go the right way. I want to achieve all of my dreams, being a world renown professor, acting in a couple of movies, and at least for one day, be a guest host on WWE RAW. But I am just too lazy to get up and start working. I think that if I start working, I can no longer have fun. But isn’t the basic idea of a happy life, that you do all your work, and still manage to have fun?

That idea, is just a little too difficult for me to comprehend.

Now, as I sit here typing relentlessly on my computer, the words just seem to flow, an exhilaration that I haven’t felt in a long time. Due to my unholy tendency to get consumed in self-pity and “being the victim” attitude and my idiotic methods of coping, these creative juices were almost non-existent for a long time. But strangely, just hours after I drowned myself in another pool of self-pity, my mind seems to be clear. The words are flowing out of me, as if I have been reborn. As if my sins have been cleansed, and I now have a second chance to live. To LIVE, NOT EXIST.

I don’t know how long this will last, because I have had epiphanies and resurrections before, and none of them lasted. But I hope this does. I just know that I will do everything in my power to make sure it does.


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