Everyone is certifiably a little nuts. It’s what makes us unique, it’s what defines us. It’s what makes us. But not me, oh no…I’m taking things to a whole new level. A level where I think I might need professional help. Which means admitting that I am mad. Which is a contradiction because mad people NEVER admit they are mad, they just pretend the other 99.99% are mad.
You get my dilemma….
I’m not mad. I’ll be the first to admit that (but was I a mad man, I’d still say that, so the choice is yours…). But I have some issues. I’ve had some issues for quite a long time, and the problem is I can’t seem to pin-point those issues. I can google all night long and conclude that I suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or Social Anxiety Disorder or Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and I have. But that’s just like searching for the genus of the monster that’s yanking me by the leg. It does no good. Plus it gives the monster enough time to sprinkle you with some pepper and salt to improve the taste (Do monsters even care about taste?? Anyways…)
What I mean is these names don’t convey what’s wrong with me. Somewhere, somehow in my mind, an idea has taken root. And that idea is the root of all my troubles. I just have to search for that idea, find it, and uproot it. There. Case solved.
Really? It’s about as easy as finding a needle in a haystack. I have to search through years of memories and experiences before I arrive at that specific idea. And ideas are like a virus. Resilient.
The other way is to try and reprogram the way my mind works. To try and fight, instead of invoking cartloads of anxiety and fleeing. Oh come on !!! Why are we still using the metaphors fight of flight?? We are not animals, nor are we hunter-gatherers !!! See what I mean…An idea is resilient.
Anyway, here’s my problem. I am scared. Plain and simple. Scared of what? There’s not enough paper in the world to write about. I’m scared about going outside, I’m scared of new situations. I’m scared of interacting with people. To put it into a new metaphor, I’d say I feel like I’m in someone else’s dream (Inception reference…). That if I put one toe out of the line, their subconscious will rip me to shreds. I am way too concerned about what others think about me, about what others say to me. About all the scolding that I may get, about the failures that I may encounter along the way. If someone tells me I did something wrong, I will just swell up with anger. I would think about it for hours on end. I would ignore just about everything in the world, and drown deeper into the nightmare that I’ve created. I’ve tried to tell myself that what others say cannot possibly hurt me, what others think of me is of no concern to me. But it is not working. Not at all. It seems my image of me, my ego is very fragile and damaged easily.
I’ve got to reprogram my mind. I’ve got to be stronger and grow up. I can’t wait for a saviour to come and miraculously save me from the abyss that I’ve imagined for myself. I’ve got to be that saviour. This is my life, and I am its architect.
But the problem is : Words are cheap. Actions are costly. If only I could perform inception, and sow the positive idea into my mind…