Why the homesickness?


This is something you expect to find on the blog of a 12 year old going off to camp, not a 20 year old who is in his final year of college. But still, incredible though it seems, I am homesick. But why? I cannot tell you…

I’ve had study holidays for nearly one month, and I’ve been home for most of the time. And while I was there, I never really appreciated it. I took the badminton games early in the morning, the hours on end spent watching TV, a free reign on the internet, and relatives and loved ones nearby, I took all of that for granted. I thought it’d last forever. But all good things must come to an end. I am now back in my hostel, and I can’t tell you how much I miss my home. I can’t pin point one thing I miss but on the whole, I am missing it a lot, sometimes to the point where I just want to cry.

I can understand all of these feelings, the homesickness, the nostalgia, the sudden loss of freedom, I get it. But what I don’t get is this: Why am I feeling all of this now? Three years since I started out in college, three years of staying away from home, why now? That’s it, I can’t put my finger on it.

Maybe I enjoyed myself too much. Maybe the last day was a bit too exuberant a celebration with my cousins and extended family. Maybe I just emotionally invested in something for the first time ( I am a borderline narcissist, so this whole “emotional investment” thing is not really my forte). Or maybe, it was the rain.

I’ve always had a connection with rain. Back when I was little I was scared of rain, I was dead afraid of its power to wreck havoc and destruction, flood up entire cities in a second. But as I saw more of it, I became enamored by it, by it’s beauty, by its power, and above all by the “first rain” smell. Rain reminds me of my childhood, the times when my big brother and I used to make paper boats, and set them afloat when our courtyard flooded up. How we’d purposefully walk through rainwater instead of around it, how we loved to walk in the rain (with umbrellas…) and how we’d always instigate our auto driver to splash water when he drove us to school. Rain reminds me of innocence, of a carefree past which has become a mere memory in this dog-eat-dog, competitive world of cunning callousness. A world which eats way on the innocence of children faster than you can imagine. A world which is a war ground. You either fight or you fall.

Sometimes I long for those days. I lost my innocence long ago. I have been engrossed in bitter battles, even with myself, and I have contemplated suicide many times. I wish I still had that innocence. I wish I was still “me” instead of this gladiator that I am now. Even though I know this can never happen, I still wish it would…

But homesick or not, my exam begins tomorrow, and I need to gear up. I am nearing a turning point right now (Hopefully…), and I hope I can bring some “life” back in my existence…

But in my opinion, a little homesickness is good, to remind you of the past, the present, and the future…


“Where can you go

When the world don’t treat you right

The answer is home

That’s the one place that you’ll find

7th Heaven”



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